New Year Marks New Beginning

I know this year is going to be a good year...I can sense it! And I know it will be! =)

Firstly to kick off the new year, I played poker for the very first time and what officially termed the "poker shark"! Still in the first week of January, I received an email to advise that the grant I applied for my studies from MOHE had been approved, woohoo! This can only be a miracle! I was told that the application had been closed off since the mid of last month and that they are not accepting anymore applications. I sent it in anyway just to try my luck as I've got all my documentations ready, and walaaaaaa...got it!

Sitting at the balcony, enjoying the winds and the breeze of the new day. I look ahead of me, and I know deep inside that there is a reason to smile. I smile at the thought of an exciting 2010, the journey ahead is what seemed to me like walking in the fields of gold! =)

This Day A Year Ago...

This day a year ago was truly a heart wrenching moment for me. I left my what seemed to be blissful life, for an exchange of a student life in a far away place. I remembered how I cried like a child when I was at the airport leaving a special someone behind. When he texted me to tell me how the room wouldn't be the same without me for the next 2 years and how shopping will be depressing all by himself, nothing but a lump formed in my throat. I held back tears as those were words from that special someone for me as I decided to relocate home for 2 years for studies sake. Many would have thought that this story would end in a failytale fashion as I would graduate and move back with him and life would then resume as per normal.

Unfortunately the story only lasted another chapter. A chapter filled with hurt and turbulence. That story did not survive the test of time. Today, marks the anniversary of that transition I made. He was nothing but someone I truly respect as a kind, giving, compassionate, driven and strong-willed person. Clearly I could have been out of my mind to have derived at such a decision. It was not an easy battle, in the end of it, I raised the white flag, I surrendered, I gave up, I lost, I defeated. For all the trouble I caused, believe me when I say I tried. I tried and I tried to fight the battle, but in the end, it became too tough, a battle I know I will not win. Thus, surrender myself as a typical loser, I gave in and gave up! I failed because I decided to quit trying! My confession is that I wanted an easy way out and I was not gained to put in more effort. I failed and I lost...terribly!

An incredibly outstanding person you are. I know that you will go far. I would love to continue to see you grow as a person. You will find your deserving other half soon. When that day comes, please cherish her with all your heart, remind her how much you adore her, love like you've never loved before.

Think only of the past as if its rememberance gives you pleasure! Not a single day passes without me drifting away thinking about how you're doing or how life could have been. Occasionally a tear or two well up my eyes. It had been a good journey, it is unfortunate that it ended this way. Thank you, please take care and good riddance!

2010 --> May it be a fresh beginning to everything! In everything I do, I promise to keep my dreams at heart. For the only fight that would lead me to success is a good fight for my dreams! The only way to keep my dreams alive is to have them close to my heart! In everything I do, I will connect my my dreams to my heart and fight hard for it! I've lost the battle one, I never want to be a loser ever again! =)

Someone You Used to Know

Someone You Used to Know
(Copyright 2008)
p/s: Thanks Zee Avi for singing out my heart...

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
That it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
Our love is lost, and we cant figure why
Maybe it really is about time
That we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
I hope that when you find someone new
That she would always be true to you
To love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
Then slowly you'd forget about me
Then I would slowly be
A distant memory

*Soon I'll just be
That someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
For letting you go
Time is not for wasting
I hope you'll find your intended
But I'm sorry
That your intended isn't me

It's not an easy thing
To shake off our history
Iknow that's what you want from me
But they will always stay with me

I admit I made mistakes
But darling with you it's just the same
If we stay there will be more to make
I dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
To stay with something no longer there
Its not that I no longer care
I'd feel like a burden you cannot bear

You may distant yourself, but please may I ask that you don't hate me...Trust me when I say I know I was pulling you down, and I am truly apologetic for the cut so deep! It's not easy, but sometimes the best thing one can do is to let go...

Suck it up??

Lots had happened over the course of the last few months. Along with the many happenings, many different feelings were encountered as well. Sometimes, I wish to be able to have control over my own feelings so that I can choose to feel or not feel a certain way or another. I reckon this is one of the many ways I defend my pain by playing avoidance. I know it hurts to be forced to be placed in situations that are not desirable, therefore my gut feeling would always invite me to run away. Anyway, running away I have been...I don't know if it had done me any good or made things worse. Anyway, as I have been feeling like a bitch lately, let me leave you with a prominent picture in my head...

You are standing outside braving yourself through the storm and wild winds, while I sit effortlessly in a cosy home with a lit up fireplace with lots of warmth and love.

Guilt is an understatement, I don't really know how exactly to describe my feelings, I don't think I will even know how to, neither would I be able to keep running away. I do feel vulnerable, I feel fragile, I don't feel good. I guess to every action there is consequences.

Suck it all up, and move it all on...

Easter Weekend

For the last 5 years, every Easter has been spent with him. Every Easter weekend was long weekend in Brisbane. Thus every Easter long weekend, we'd have some sort of vacation to somewhere. This year, Easter seemed different, no gifts of smooth chocolate bunnies, no Easter eggs, no celebration, no vacation...just another ordinary weekend.

Aches me to think that I'm now only left with memories of the last five years spent in Australia.

Well, nevertheless I received a surprise at my door today...
Delivery guy rang in the morning asking for directions to our place. My dad immediately asked my mom and I if we were anticipating any delivery because the guy was around the corner. I shrugged and my mom looked at me expecting me to say something. Anyway, I didn't even know it came for me. Therefore it was what we called a *SuRpRiSe*.

I received a bouquet of 20 roses today...8 were of my favourite purple roses and 12 of champagne roses. Very nice arrangement and oddly enough a vase as well. The card says...
"Hi! I guess today might be a really hectic day for you! I'm sorry I couldn't help out physically! Every girl deserves roses for her new room :) I hope that this will make your hectic weekend a little easier to pass by!"



What a sweetie! Yes, we are in the midst of refurbishing my room as it had finally dawned on my dad that I'm a bit overgrown for the furniture in my room from since 18 years ago. I greatly appreciate my dad's efforts. However, it seriously came at the most horrible of all horrible times! I have deadlines one after another next week and a final paper week after and 2 more papers the same week. I asked if this "project" could be postponed so I can concentrate on my studies. Why did it not surprise me that my request had fallen unto deaf ears? Well, I don't know...Anyway, thanks for taking the effort to my very stressful weekend a little better. Did I forget to mention that we were out of power last night, meaning I couldn't do any work? Geez, what great timing! All at once...just kill me, wouldn't you?

State of Permanence

"I'm convinced that this state of permanence is merely my own interpretation"

Why do I say that? Because I'm sick and weary of feeling like it's some kind of illness to feel like I'm stuck in this time machine. I don't like this feeling. I don't like to feel like I'm being tied down and not have the flexibility to do what I wish to do. I feel like time is restrictive. There are things that I need to do before I miss the boat. But what can I do, when I'm committed to this now for a length of time and knowing that time will wait for no men, what can I do to break out of this permanence and to reach out to my dreams and my goals?

I don't see myself as a very ambitious person, but I do have goals that I want to achieve. I would like to think that I steer my own life, the way I'd like! However, to be able to do that, I'd have to be in control of my own directions. I have to stop at the harbour and leap on to another boat. It's frustrating me, yet I don't know what to do! I know how it feels to have missed the boat. I've missed several boats in my life and I don't want to miss another boat, no more! I want to get on that boat, regardless. But my question now is how? How do I do it when the harbour seems out of reach. When this sea is rockingly rough, nothing seems to be going my way. Do I still steer my own direction? Oh, someone get me out of here!

Defense in Action

My circadian rhythm is screwed! Gawd, I don't know why, I can't think of anything extraordinary that would cause such intense heaviness in my lids that they keep wanting to shut. Each time, I open a book, or attempt to read a journal article, or skim through my deadlines, or just whatever that is academic-related, I feel like sleeping. Really strange! Not like I haven't been sleeping, although my sleep pattern has been chopped from my regular 8 hours to an average of 4 hours each night, at least I haven't been skipping sleep??

I don't know...it has to be either procrastinating or withdrawal. In any way, isn't procrastinating one of the means of withdrawing? So is sleeping one of the ways to withdraw? I'm beginning to wonder if this is for me. Shouldn't be so terribly difficult if this was my cup of tea?? I don't know, sometimes or most of the time, I wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing.