Candle in the Dark

If I were a candle in the dark, I'd allow for the wind to blow me off...
It'd be nice if I could borrow Doraemon's door to another world.
I want to disappear into thin air, I wonder how??

Connection With The Dead?

As the Buddhists observe All Souls Day this week, I wonder if we could ever make a connection with those who have passed on?

My paternal grandpa passed on while I was in college say about 7-8 years ago. I remembered him as being very jovial, always happy to see me, and a very warm hearted man. Yet, during his final few weeks, I remembered chucking my princessy-tantrum and refused to go to the hospital for visits, thinking that he will recover and that he will return home. At 5am one morning, we received a telephone call from the hospital advising us of my grandpa's passing, I remembered it was not easy for me. I was in denial and didn't want to accept the fact, at least for a while. My grandpa was cremated and the person at the cremation parlour told the family that my grandpa's ashes were very "white", which apparently indicated he was a good person, who had done many good deeds while alive. His ashes were scattered into deep sea, as we farewell him in celebration of his life. Anyway, that was quite a few years ago now. Although we had the typical ceremony and all for his wake and funeral, and knowing for a fact that he is no longer here with us, I have never really felt his absence. I don't know how this work, but I know all our Cheong ancestors' souls were laid to rest in this temple somewhere in PJ. We would go and "visit" my grandpa (and all the other late Cheongs) at the temple at least once a year. See, funny thing is that I don't see it as visiting his soul or paying respect or commemorating his life or whatever you'd think of when performing rituals as such.

I've always felt that my grandpa's still here. I can still remember the way he'd smile at me, the way he'd talk to me, the way he'd always treated me as someone important. I won't say I miss him, because reality is that I was never really that close to him. But we still did the occasional grandpa-grandchild thing like, we went out for lunch etc. I think I miss his company, because he had always spoken to me like I was a little child, and I remembered I'd respond like I had never gwown up. Anyway, back to my point, as I haven't been feeling my best lately, I have been wondering if I were to visit grandpa and sat there long enough, will I be able to engage in a conversation with him, would he respond? Will I be able to make a connection with him? Will I be able to feel him? Will he be able to tell me what do to? I don't know what happens after death. Reincarnation? Soul floating around? Heaven? I don't know...

Strength?

I have fallen, fallen right in my face...

Will I ever have the strength to get back up again? Will I ever see light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever have the courage to lift my head again and stand tall amongst people? Getting back up is a process, it's a process I am learning each day. Each day, I try to face the world with a bold front, to put myself out there and to try to go with the flow. It's not easy. I feel like I'm at the crossroad of a busy junction, where pedestrians crossing left and right, back and forth, while I stand in the middle of it being knocked, pushed, swayed, and bumped. It's easier for me to just fall flat on the ground, rather than trying to make my way out of this mess. Why do I choose to dwell in this pain when there is so much ahead of me? At the verge of giving up, yet, the faintest voice in me whispers words of wisdom, telling it it's all okay...it's just part of the journey. One day, I will get out of this mess. One day, I will feel better. One day, I will smile again. One day, I will love again. One day, I will see light again. One day, I will be bold again.

I live today, and I live strong. I know I need to amplify the voice in me. I need to push myself a little harder on cloudy days like this. No one has told me that it will be easy, at the same token, someone has told me that this too shall pass.

I will continue to pick myself up, that is a pledge to myself...I live now and I live today for I know one day, I will get out of this mess.

Mismatch Selves

I am incongruent, therefore I have conflicting feelings. My current state of mind is nothing less than a big mess. I want to feel disconnected from everything yet I can't because I am stuck. I feel like a knot being tied so tightly that it cannot be released and have no movements. I'm so frustrated by my current state that I feel like I need to breakfree!

This feeling of being stuck is not pleasant. There is no congruence between my current self and my ideal self. These two selves don't match and that is why I'm conflicting and in pain. I am not who I am anymore. I don't know if I will ever come to a realization to know what I'm doing and to awake from my slumber.

No use confiding in anyone. I must learn to suck up my own problems. I don't want to rely on anyone, not that I don't think they could be of help but more a process of maturity on my part. To know that I have my problems under control, under my own belt. Although this feeling is overwhelming and suffocating. I'd rather the burden be purely on myself.

Bleeding Heart

I exist, yet I don't...It's an ironic feeling, I feel like I am here yet I am not...
Floating around like a body without its soul...I have no more insights to myself.
I want to sleep, go into a deep sleep and not wake.
I hope for a car to come dashing right into me so that in another world I awake...
Unsure of what it holds, but I do know for sure it will be better place.
My heart aches, aches so bad that it bleeds...
The blood so warm, so warm that it burns...
I don't know what that means, I see blood staining every spot.
I wish I could run, run like the wind...
Run strong into another place where the soul can seen.
Maybe if I send myself to a high enough floor, I could eventually fly...
Fly away to another place where I will not need to cry.
Right now, right here, I sit with a bleeding heart, in pain.

The Therapeutic Rain

I woke up this morning to super heavy rain, that I could barely see the buildings in front as I looked out from the balcony. I felt blinded by the rain as I stood still and stared blankly.

Suddenly my mind snapped out of its blankness and started shuffling with reminisces of old times. Like a play in my head, different scenes of different people, different times, different places flashed thorough again and again. In all scenes, there was a common theme...rain. I heard the peter-patter-peter-patter of the sounds of rain, I saw rain drops splattering on the trees, making them dance...was a good feeling. I like rain, brings back loads of memories, nice and bad, these scenes make up little experiences I gathered for the last 25 years. Rain calms me down (I also enjoy sitting in the car, with blasting music as rain pours down...extremely therapeutic!).

I wish I could run out and dance in the rain, wet myself from head to toe, laugh myself silly, embrace the here and now with open arms accepting the rain for what it is and perhaps drop myself in a puddle of water and have the rain drops drip all over me. It would also be nice to snuggle under covers in my room. Nicer still if there was someone with me. We could share breakfast in bed, watch a nice movie, or have Norah Jones (somehow to me Norah Jones and rainy days are always paired together) in the background as we sip hot chocolate? Nice!

I would like to resign...

For the last few weeks, I have been having unpleasant physical reaction in which my stomach ached from time to time, my chest felt really heavy, my neck had dull pains, and I have also been feeling queasy before and after meals. I didn't really know what those reactions mean. I can go by without food and yet not feel hungry, when I eat, I feel like throwing them out before they even digest. I don't know...it could be a projection of my feelings of wanting to free myself from this stressful situation.

Today, I received another email from him. He told me that he's been soul searching, that he realized that he had taken our relationship for granted, and that if given another chance he would put in 200% to make it work. I broke down after reading the email. In fact this is the second email I received since our intense conversation yesterday. I was surprised by his capability in writing such a touching email. In fact, I have never really read anything this long from him before. Why bother sending me such well-composed emails now, when all along I've been hoping for him to play this important part of his role. Our relationship worked on a very practical note - no love letters, no romantic comments, no unprompted surprises. Why now? Why would people be so slack in making such efforts? Why must it be prompted by a negative event before people start pulling their socks up? I feel disgusted, I feel appalled that people use such threats to toy with others' emotions. Why do you bother scoring points only now? I am an emotional being. It does not help that you're trying to score points with my emotions. I am torn, even more torn than before. I fear, I fear if I give in this would just repeat itself again in the future. I have invested 5 years of my life in this relationship, what do I get? I've always played the role of the care-giver and I am now tired. I feel my energy has all been drained and I just want freedom! I don't want to care anymore, I'm tired at straightening things out, I've ran out of energy in making sure things work, ran out of energy to monitor and to regulate! Enough is enough. I don't want to sink any lower. I want to enjoy life, enjoy the now and the present. I want to make myself happy. I know what I want and therefore, I don't want anything that I don't want!

The Attempted Breakup

Friday, the 13th, I attempted a breakup with my long term boyfriend of 5 years. It was not easy, but I had to do it. I had too much feelings and emotions in me that I kept thinking about what happiness means for other people. But ultimately, does my happiness matter? (Yes it does!) Being with someone who provides me with everything every girl wanted in a relationship but the element of fun makes the whole relationship very stale and stagnant. I sometimes wonder if I can just "settle" with someone less fun but able to provide security and love. I asked myself again and again. Initially, I couldn't careless if my happiness was sacrificed for being in a stable relationship. I rationalized every opportunity possible highlighting the pros of a stable versus fun-loving relationship. In the end am I truly happy in this current relationship? I guess I know the answer...what would I do? I've finally dug up a shit-load of courage to ring that number and to convey my message. The response was, "what gives you the right to call off the relationship when a relationship involves two people?" Nothing was finalised...and the question again, "does my happiness matter?" (Really, I don't know...)