I would like to resign...

For the last few weeks, I have been having unpleasant physical reaction in which my stomach ached from time to time, my chest felt really heavy, my neck had dull pains, and I have also been feeling queasy before and after meals. I didn't really know what those reactions mean. I can go by without food and yet not feel hungry, when I eat, I feel like throwing them out before they even digest. I don't know...it could be a projection of my feelings of wanting to free myself from this stressful situation.

Today, I received another email from him. He told me that he's been soul searching, that he realized that he had taken our relationship for granted, and that if given another chance he would put in 200% to make it work. I broke down after reading the email. In fact this is the second email I received since our intense conversation yesterday. I was surprised by his capability in writing such a touching email. In fact, I have never really read anything this long from him before. Why bother sending me such well-composed emails now, when all along I've been hoping for him to play this important part of his role. Our relationship worked on a very practical note - no love letters, no romantic comments, no unprompted surprises. Why now? Why would people be so slack in making such efforts? Why must it be prompted by a negative event before people start pulling their socks up? I feel disgusted, I feel appalled that people use such threats to toy with others' emotions. Why do you bother scoring points only now? I am an emotional being. It does not help that you're trying to score points with my emotions. I am torn, even more torn than before. I fear, I fear if I give in this would just repeat itself again in the future. I have invested 5 years of my life in this relationship, what do I get? I've always played the role of the care-giver and I am now tired. I feel my energy has all been drained and I just want freedom! I don't want to care anymore, I'm tired at straightening things out, I've ran out of energy in making sure things work, ran out of energy to monitor and to regulate! Enough is enough. I don't want to sink any lower. I want to enjoy life, enjoy the now and the present. I want to make myself happy. I know what I want and therefore, I don't want anything that I don't want!