Someone You Used to Know

Someone You Used to Know
(Copyright 2008)
p/s: Thanks Zee Avi for singing out my heart...

It was helpless anyway
There's nothing much we could do or say
Darling don't you think it's a shame?
That it had to end this way

So here's to say goodbye,
Our love is lost, and we cant figure why
Maybe it really is about time
That we finally made up our minds

So Darling, here's to you
I hope that when you find someone new
That she would always be true to you
To love and understand you

Soon you'll build new memories
Then slowly you'd forget about me
Then I would slowly be
A distant memory

*Soon I'll just be
That someone you used to know
But darling you will thank me
For letting you go
Time is not for wasting
I hope you'll find your intended
But I'm sorry
That your intended isn't me

It's not an easy thing
To shake off our history
Iknow that's what you want from me
But they will always stay with me

I admit I made mistakes
But darling with you it's just the same
If we stay there will be more to make
I dont know how much more we can take

Darling, it would be unfair
To stay with something no longer there
Its not that I no longer care
I'd feel like a burden you cannot bear

You may distant yourself, but please may I ask that you don't hate me...Trust me when I say I know I was pulling you down, and I am truly apologetic for the cut so deep! It's not easy, but sometimes the best thing one can do is to let go...

Suck it up??

Lots had happened over the course of the last few months. Along with the many happenings, many different feelings were encountered as well. Sometimes, I wish to be able to have control over my own feelings so that I can choose to feel or not feel a certain way or another. I reckon this is one of the many ways I defend my pain by playing avoidance. I know it hurts to be forced to be placed in situations that are not desirable, therefore my gut feeling would always invite me to run away. Anyway, running away I have been...I don't know if it had done me any good or made things worse. Anyway, as I have been feeling like a bitch lately, let me leave you with a prominent picture in my head...

You are standing outside braving yourself through the storm and wild winds, while I sit effortlessly in a cosy home with a lit up fireplace with lots of warmth and love.

Guilt is an understatement, I don't really know how exactly to describe my feelings, I don't think I will even know how to, neither would I be able to keep running away. I do feel vulnerable, I feel fragile, I don't feel good. I guess to every action there is consequences.

Suck it all up, and move it all on...

Easter Weekend

For the last 5 years, every Easter has been spent with him. Every Easter weekend was long weekend in Brisbane. Thus every Easter long weekend, we'd have some sort of vacation to somewhere. This year, Easter seemed different, no gifts of smooth chocolate bunnies, no Easter eggs, no celebration, no vacation...just another ordinary weekend.

Aches me to think that I'm now only left with memories of the last five years spent in Australia.

Well, nevertheless I received a surprise at my door today...
Delivery guy rang in the morning asking for directions to our place. My dad immediately asked my mom and I if we were anticipating any delivery because the guy was around the corner. I shrugged and my mom looked at me expecting me to say something. Anyway, I didn't even know it came for me. Therefore it was what we called a *SuRpRiSe*.

I received a bouquet of 20 roses today...8 were of my favourite purple roses and 12 of champagne roses. Very nice arrangement and oddly enough a vase as well. The card says...
"Hi! I guess today might be a really hectic day for you! I'm sorry I couldn't help out physically! Every girl deserves roses for her new room :) I hope that this will make your hectic weekend a little easier to pass by!"



What a sweetie! Yes, we are in the midst of refurbishing my room as it had finally dawned on my dad that I'm a bit overgrown for the furniture in my room from since 18 years ago. I greatly appreciate my dad's efforts. However, it seriously came at the most horrible of all horrible times! I have deadlines one after another next week and a final paper week after and 2 more papers the same week. I asked if this "project" could be postponed so I can concentrate on my studies. Why did it not surprise me that my request had fallen unto deaf ears? Well, I don't know...Anyway, thanks for taking the effort to my very stressful weekend a little better. Did I forget to mention that we were out of power last night, meaning I couldn't do any work? Geez, what great timing! All at once...just kill me, wouldn't you?

State of Permanence

"I'm convinced that this state of permanence is merely my own interpretation"

Why do I say that? Because I'm sick and weary of feeling like it's some kind of illness to feel like I'm stuck in this time machine. I don't like this feeling. I don't like to feel like I'm being tied down and not have the flexibility to do what I wish to do. I feel like time is restrictive. There are things that I need to do before I miss the boat. But what can I do, when I'm committed to this now for a length of time and knowing that time will wait for no men, what can I do to break out of this permanence and to reach out to my dreams and my goals?

I don't see myself as a very ambitious person, but I do have goals that I want to achieve. I would like to think that I steer my own life, the way I'd like! However, to be able to do that, I'd have to be in control of my own directions. I have to stop at the harbour and leap on to another boat. It's frustrating me, yet I don't know what to do! I know how it feels to have missed the boat. I've missed several boats in my life and I don't want to miss another boat, no more! I want to get on that boat, regardless. But my question now is how? How do I do it when the harbour seems out of reach. When this sea is rockingly rough, nothing seems to be going my way. Do I still steer my own direction? Oh, someone get me out of here!

Defense in Action

My circadian rhythm is screwed! Gawd, I don't know why, I can't think of anything extraordinary that would cause such intense heaviness in my lids that they keep wanting to shut. Each time, I open a book, or attempt to read a journal article, or skim through my deadlines, or just whatever that is academic-related, I feel like sleeping. Really strange! Not like I haven't been sleeping, although my sleep pattern has been chopped from my regular 8 hours to an average of 4 hours each night, at least I haven't been skipping sleep??

I don't know...it has to be either procrastinating or withdrawal. In any way, isn't procrastinating one of the means of withdrawing? So is sleeping one of the ways to withdraw? I'm beginning to wonder if this is for me. Shouldn't be so terribly difficult if this was my cup of tea?? I don't know, sometimes or most of the time, I wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Candle in the Dark

If I were a candle in the dark, I'd allow for the wind to blow me off...
It'd be nice if I could borrow Doraemon's door to another world.
I want to disappear into thin air, I wonder how??

Connection With The Dead?

As the Buddhists observe All Souls Day this week, I wonder if we could ever make a connection with those who have passed on?

My paternal grandpa passed on while I was in college say about 7-8 years ago. I remembered him as being very jovial, always happy to see me, and a very warm hearted man. Yet, during his final few weeks, I remembered chucking my princessy-tantrum and refused to go to the hospital for visits, thinking that he will recover and that he will return home. At 5am one morning, we received a telephone call from the hospital advising us of my grandpa's passing, I remembered it was not easy for me. I was in denial and didn't want to accept the fact, at least for a while. My grandpa was cremated and the person at the cremation parlour told the family that my grandpa's ashes were very "white", which apparently indicated he was a good person, who had done many good deeds while alive. His ashes were scattered into deep sea, as we farewell him in celebration of his life. Anyway, that was quite a few years ago now. Although we had the typical ceremony and all for his wake and funeral, and knowing for a fact that he is no longer here with us, I have never really felt his absence. I don't know how this work, but I know all our Cheong ancestors' souls were laid to rest in this temple somewhere in PJ. We would go and "visit" my grandpa (and all the other late Cheongs) at the temple at least once a year. See, funny thing is that I don't see it as visiting his soul or paying respect or commemorating his life or whatever you'd think of when performing rituals as such.

I've always felt that my grandpa's still here. I can still remember the way he'd smile at me, the way he'd talk to me, the way he'd always treated me as someone important. I won't say I miss him, because reality is that I was never really that close to him. But we still did the occasional grandpa-grandchild thing like, we went out for lunch etc. I think I miss his company, because he had always spoken to me like I was a little child, and I remembered I'd respond like I had never gwown up. Anyway, back to my point, as I haven't been feeling my best lately, I have been wondering if I were to visit grandpa and sat there long enough, will I be able to engage in a conversation with him, would he respond? Will I be able to make a connection with him? Will I be able to feel him? Will he be able to tell me what do to? I don't know what happens after death. Reincarnation? Soul floating around? Heaven? I don't know...

Strength?

I have fallen, fallen right in my face...

Will I ever have the strength to get back up again? Will I ever see light at the end of the tunnel? Will I ever have the courage to lift my head again and stand tall amongst people? Getting back up is a process, it's a process I am learning each day. Each day, I try to face the world with a bold front, to put myself out there and to try to go with the flow. It's not easy. I feel like I'm at the crossroad of a busy junction, where pedestrians crossing left and right, back and forth, while I stand in the middle of it being knocked, pushed, swayed, and bumped. It's easier for me to just fall flat on the ground, rather than trying to make my way out of this mess. Why do I choose to dwell in this pain when there is so much ahead of me? At the verge of giving up, yet, the faintest voice in me whispers words of wisdom, telling it it's all okay...it's just part of the journey. One day, I will get out of this mess. One day, I will feel better. One day, I will smile again. One day, I will love again. One day, I will see light again. One day, I will be bold again.

I live today, and I live strong. I know I need to amplify the voice in me. I need to push myself a little harder on cloudy days like this. No one has told me that it will be easy, at the same token, someone has told me that this too shall pass.

I will continue to pick myself up, that is a pledge to myself...I live now and I live today for I know one day, I will get out of this mess.

Mismatch Selves

I am incongruent, therefore I have conflicting feelings. My current state of mind is nothing less than a big mess. I want to feel disconnected from everything yet I can't because I am stuck. I feel like a knot being tied so tightly that it cannot be released and have no movements. I'm so frustrated by my current state that I feel like I need to breakfree!

This feeling of being stuck is not pleasant. There is no congruence between my current self and my ideal self. These two selves don't match and that is why I'm conflicting and in pain. I am not who I am anymore. I don't know if I will ever come to a realization to know what I'm doing and to awake from my slumber.

No use confiding in anyone. I must learn to suck up my own problems. I don't want to rely on anyone, not that I don't think they could be of help but more a process of maturity on my part. To know that I have my problems under control, under my own belt. Although this feeling is overwhelming and suffocating. I'd rather the burden be purely on myself.

Bleeding Heart

I exist, yet I don't...It's an ironic feeling, I feel like I am here yet I am not...
Floating around like a body without its soul...I have no more insights to myself.
I want to sleep, go into a deep sleep and not wake.
I hope for a car to come dashing right into me so that in another world I awake...
Unsure of what it holds, but I do know for sure it will be better place.
My heart aches, aches so bad that it bleeds...
The blood so warm, so warm that it burns...
I don't know what that means, I see blood staining every spot.
I wish I could run, run like the wind...
Run strong into another place where the soul can seen.
Maybe if I send myself to a high enough floor, I could eventually fly...
Fly away to another place where I will not need to cry.
Right now, right here, I sit with a bleeding heart, in pain.

The Therapeutic Rain

I woke up this morning to super heavy rain, that I could barely see the buildings in front as I looked out from the balcony. I felt blinded by the rain as I stood still and stared blankly.

Suddenly my mind snapped out of its blankness and started shuffling with reminisces of old times. Like a play in my head, different scenes of different people, different times, different places flashed thorough again and again. In all scenes, there was a common theme...rain. I heard the peter-patter-peter-patter of the sounds of rain, I saw rain drops splattering on the trees, making them dance...was a good feeling. I like rain, brings back loads of memories, nice and bad, these scenes make up little experiences I gathered for the last 25 years. Rain calms me down (I also enjoy sitting in the car, with blasting music as rain pours down...extremely therapeutic!).

I wish I could run out and dance in the rain, wet myself from head to toe, laugh myself silly, embrace the here and now with open arms accepting the rain for what it is and perhaps drop myself in a puddle of water and have the rain drops drip all over me. It would also be nice to snuggle under covers in my room. Nicer still if there was someone with me. We could share breakfast in bed, watch a nice movie, or have Norah Jones (somehow to me Norah Jones and rainy days are always paired together) in the background as we sip hot chocolate? Nice!

I would like to resign...

For the last few weeks, I have been having unpleasant physical reaction in which my stomach ached from time to time, my chest felt really heavy, my neck had dull pains, and I have also been feeling queasy before and after meals. I didn't really know what those reactions mean. I can go by without food and yet not feel hungry, when I eat, I feel like throwing them out before they even digest. I don't know...it could be a projection of my feelings of wanting to free myself from this stressful situation.

Today, I received another email from him. He told me that he's been soul searching, that he realized that he had taken our relationship for granted, and that if given another chance he would put in 200% to make it work. I broke down after reading the email. In fact this is the second email I received since our intense conversation yesterday. I was surprised by his capability in writing such a touching email. In fact, I have never really read anything this long from him before. Why bother sending me such well-composed emails now, when all along I've been hoping for him to play this important part of his role. Our relationship worked on a very practical note - no love letters, no romantic comments, no unprompted surprises. Why now? Why would people be so slack in making such efforts? Why must it be prompted by a negative event before people start pulling their socks up? I feel disgusted, I feel appalled that people use such threats to toy with others' emotions. Why do you bother scoring points only now? I am an emotional being. It does not help that you're trying to score points with my emotions. I am torn, even more torn than before. I fear, I fear if I give in this would just repeat itself again in the future. I have invested 5 years of my life in this relationship, what do I get? I've always played the role of the care-giver and I am now tired. I feel my energy has all been drained and I just want freedom! I don't want to care anymore, I'm tired at straightening things out, I've ran out of energy in making sure things work, ran out of energy to monitor and to regulate! Enough is enough. I don't want to sink any lower. I want to enjoy life, enjoy the now and the present. I want to make myself happy. I know what I want and therefore, I don't want anything that I don't want!

The Attempted Breakup

Friday, the 13th, I attempted a breakup with my long term boyfriend of 5 years. It was not easy, but I had to do it. I had too much feelings and emotions in me that I kept thinking about what happiness means for other people. But ultimately, does my happiness matter? (Yes it does!) Being with someone who provides me with everything every girl wanted in a relationship but the element of fun makes the whole relationship very stale and stagnant. I sometimes wonder if I can just "settle" with someone less fun but able to provide security and love. I asked myself again and again. Initially, I couldn't careless if my happiness was sacrificed for being in a stable relationship. I rationalized every opportunity possible highlighting the pros of a stable versus fun-loving relationship. In the end am I truly happy in this current relationship? I guess I know the answer...what would I do? I've finally dug up a shit-load of courage to ring that number and to convey my message. The response was, "what gives you the right to call off the relationship when a relationship involves two people?" Nothing was finalised...and the question again, "does my happiness matter?" (Really, I don't know...)